Alexisofroses’s Blog

Posts Tagged ‘Life

Oh my gosh! All the things! I really need a place to talk where family isn’t around, because OMG, all the things! I want to talk about hormones, and video games, and emotions, and life, and there is just so much going on inside me that I have to let out! So… um, without further ado, let’s talk about the strange world of hormones!

Being on hormones has been a strange and wonderful experience. I started them back in late January, so I’ve been on them for just over seven months now. And they are slowly starting to do their stuff. I have actual breasts now! I mean, sure they are tiny, but they are actual visible even when I’m dressed if you know to look. My skin is softer. My body hair grows slower. I love almost everything about it.

However, not everything is always sun and roses. First of all… breast development hurts! Its not the same pain that a cis girl would feel. In my scenario, my nipples are growing hundreds and hundreds of new nerve endings. At some point I am assured that this will make them very sensitive and fun to play with. In the mean time they just hurt. If I accidentally brush my arms against them or something I grimace in pain, usually secretly and quietly, but in my head I’m screaming “F’ing heck! That hurt!”

I also find my interests… shifting in some surprising ways. The things I’ve noticed most is my attention level to things like video games. I used to lose myself in virtual worlds for hour and hours. Ten, twelve, twenty hours could pass with me hardly leaving my seat. Killing two headed ogres and sealing errant Rifts was like the best things ever. And that is… changing? I mean, I still love video games, don’t get me wrong, but I can’t sit at them for as long without getting bored. It’s like I actually have more attention to pay to time, and time passing. I can’t explain it, but now I sit for two or three hours on a video game and I’m ready to move on.  I’m sure my future still holds many an all day gaming session, especially when new and exciting things come out, but it’s not going to be the norm anymore. Part of me misses that.

The other thing that has completely changed is my sex drive. I’m going to attempt talking about this without giving TMI, because no one wants that. But it’s something I want to talk about. I hadn’t noticed how far my sex drive had dropped until this June. This June I was super, super depressed. Like, ready to kill myself depressed. Like, I had it all planned out and only a couple things were stopping me from ending it all. I closed myself away from the world, wanted everyone to hate me, and really wasn’t a very fun person to be around. I had no energy, no will to do anything. It was icky and gross, and somewhere I hope that I won’t go to again. It’s maybe the worst I’ve ever been emotionally, even worse than a few years ago when my dad drove thirteen hours because he thought I might hurt myself. I don’t really bring this up to discuss my depression, I bring it up to discuss something else.

Late into that time period I stopped taking my hormones. I wasn’t eating well, and one of the meds I take is a diuretic. I was having digestion and stomach problems all the time, problems I knew would fix themselves if I ate better and consumed less diet soda. But I was in a mind set that it was easier to give up the hormones, despite how hard I worked for those in the first place.

As the estrogen slowly left my system my sex drive shot way back up, and oh my gosh. I didn’t know how to deal! You sometimes see threads on reddit and other places asking “What would you do first if you suddenly switched sexes?” And let me tell you, most girls are not ready for that amount of T! It was like my entire life was covered in a haze of sexual desire that just wouldn’t go away! And, like, I’ve been dealing with that haze for my entire life. You would think that I’d know how to go back to it. But it was staggering, and astonishing, and I was drowning. It was really humbling in some ways.

I went back on hormones after my family vacation, and god, it is so much nicer! I can think again without getting distracted, and gods, it is really, really nice not to think about sex in every second of every day.

Alright, so I’ve talked about hormones, and I’ve talked a bit about video games. The other things about video games I wanted to mention is that I finally acquired a copy of Pokemon White 2. It’s fun and amazing! I really like Pokemon, you guys. Also, at Torch Lake on my family vacation, it was really fun to play Pokemon with my daughter and my cousin. We spent hours battling it out, and playing, and even watching the anime. Jaden, my cousin, also brought his Pokemon cards! The only things missing was Pokemon Macaroni and Cheese to complete the nostalgic picture. The three of us started a Pokemon blog together, and it is a lot of fun posting fan stories, comparing progress, and staying in touch. So, yay Pokemon! If anyone is playing Pokemon black or white, let me know. Maybe we could do some online trading and things like that!

And now… life. I’m really very pleased with my life right now. I’m in such a better place emotionally than I have been in months and months. I’m back in school, and I see family on an almost daily basis. Family that loves me, and knows about my trans* identity, and doesn’t hate that part of me. I haven’t asked them to call me Lexi or Alexis yet, but I know that when I do they will, and that is so comforting! I have a car to drive places, and things are good. But I miss having friends. I don’t know anyone here, and I am so freaking shy!

That being said, I finally did something tonight that I’ve thought about doing for years and years, and never have done. Tonight I went to a munch. It was held at a restaurant, and somehow I expected that we would talk a lot about kink. This was a munch for a very specific set of interests I happen to share, and I was nervous, and excited, and really expected something entirely different. Instead, it was just like going out to dinner with people. Kink was hinted at occasionally, but for the most part we just talked. Like, conversations I would have with anyone. That being said, I met a lot of really fun people tonight. People that I have a lot in common with. People that are geeks like me and into geeky things! So yay that! I’m also getting dragged to all kinds of future events now, so I guess that is fun too.

Alright, I was going to put up a picture of a pokemon ball bra here to tie together my video game playing and my excitement of having breasts. But I think I’m actually going to leave this entry without pictures. If people are still reading, thank you for following me through my ramblings. This was a long blog post.